Barely Online Dating in Your 20s
I hate online dating, let me just start by putting that out
there. I’ve bumbled, I’ve tindered and both times I feel like I’m in a toxic
love hate relationship. The constant swiping and small talk is enough to drive
anyone crazy.
Thinking you’ve hit it off with someone, only to have that fade away a week later, and be right back into the swiping routine. Both apps are plagued with ghosts, catfish, and walking talking dick pics. Sure, there are some positives but since I hate it so much I’ll start out with the crazy ass experiences I’ve had so far. By far the craziest experience I’ve had was when I matched with a super cute guy on Bumble, I was hopeful we would match and excited when we did! I spent an honest 2 minutes trying to figure out how to start up a conversation and settled on a simple Hey with a waving emoji
(yes it took me 2 minutes to come up with this, I don’t do well under pressure). Anyway, I was expecting to wait for a response but almost instantly saw those 3 bubbles, feeling excited that he was responding so fast I eagerly stayed in the thread waiting for his response. Now most sane people would have just responded with a simple hi, hello, hey, hola, something normal! But I guess that wasn’t his style cause his very next message was “Hey sorry I’m watching porn right now”
like what the fuck. Completely shocked by his response I asked “is that how you start all of your bumble conversations” he proceeded to reply “No I just wanted to let you know I have a boner right now and by dick is huge” … instant unmatch! My least favorite question on both apps are “what brings you on here/what are you looking for”. Now don’t get me wrong those are honest questions and sometimes don’t have bad intentions, but when the person asks you that after only 2-3 messages they’re hoping your answer is more of a Netflix n chill, with barely any Netflix and absolutely no chill.
Most of the time I don’t answer these questions. Another difficult thing for me is that I’m pretty fucking tall. Like the average height of a woman in the US is 5’4” and then there’s my big ass towering over those small hoes at 5’9” (although I only claim 5’ 8 ¾ “). So, when I’m swiping I’m constantly looking to see if the guys hand to elbow length looks small, do his fingers look nubby, is he as tall as the sign next to him or shorter? Shit like that. And it always cracks me up when a guy's bio says "I'm 6'1" since apparently that matters!" Like no shit it matters, thanks for the saving me a message😈. My rule for online dating is to always subtract 2 inches from what a guy put as his height. His bio says 5’10, boom he’s 5’8. His bio says 5’8, boom he’s 5’6.5”.
It’s my own little mental algorithm, and I’m convinced it works. Anyway, one time I matched with a guy and we seemed to really hit it off, even planned to meet up that weekend. I was unsure of his hand to elbow length so I asked how tall he is, his ass responded between 5’6” and 5’7”, like who the fuck says their between 2 heights? He was like “I’m probably a little shorter than you, hope that’s not a deal breaker”. First off he’s weird enough to put himself between 2 heights and 2nd he clearly didn’t read my bio cause it says I’m 5’9, so yes, it absolutely was a deal breaker.
But I didn’t want to seem rude, so I played it off and said “not gonna lie and say height is not important but it’s not a huge deal breaker”, now in this moment I’m feeling like a woman for the people, like a fucking trouper cause I just spared this height challenged man’s feelings.
Next thing I know he hits me with a “actually I’m not ready to date. I know this will seem weird and sudden but that’s just where I’m at right now”. Like what the absolute fuck?
Here I was trying to spare your feelings and you just BS rejected me!? I had to laugh that shit off cause when I say shook, I was fucking shook… instant unmatch! Another confidence ball buster is when you’re on a swiping roll and sending out mass messages, just trying to see which one’s stick. You’ll go to bed with 10 matches, 10 “hey” caterpillars hoping to turn into “how are you” butterflies, but when you wake up there’s only 3 messages pending response. For those of you who don't use these dating apps, that means that 7 guys saw my message and unmatched my ass.
Honestly just typing this makes me chuckle a bit cause it’s like damn, did I say something wrong? Are you judging my emoji choices, or did you see my message recheck my profile and think to yourself, who the fuck did I swipe on!? Now I must admit that I’m guilty of that late night swiping. It's always weird hen you wake up and have to cuss out your sleepy self, cause the guy you though had pretty eyes actually looks like Kermit the frog on crack.
But still, it sucks. and I know for a fact that i don't look like a cracked out Kermit!
I’ll only briefly state the positives because lets face it, there aren’t many, and also this post was already long as hell. But the biggest pro for me is that I’m a lame 20 something who doesn’t go out much so swiping from the comfort of my home is hella convenient.... and it gives me something to do while I'm taking my morning dump. Boom done with the pros! Well thanks for reading this ramble of a post, If you’re planning to test your luck in the online dating pool, may the odds be ever in your favor and happy swiping! 😊
Thinking you’ve hit it off with someone, only to have that fade away a week later, and be right back into the swiping routine. Both apps are plagued with ghosts, catfish, and walking talking dick pics. Sure, there are some positives but since I hate it so much I’ll start out with the crazy ass experiences I’ve had so far. By far the craziest experience I’ve had was when I matched with a super cute guy on Bumble, I was hopeful we would match and excited when we did! I spent an honest 2 minutes trying to figure out how to start up a conversation and settled on a simple Hey with a waving emoji
(yes it took me 2 minutes to come up with this, I don’t do well under pressure). Anyway, I was expecting to wait for a response but almost instantly saw those 3 bubbles, feeling excited that he was responding so fast I eagerly stayed in the thread waiting for his response. Now most sane people would have just responded with a simple hi, hello, hey, hola, something normal! But I guess that wasn’t his style cause his very next message was “Hey sorry I’m watching porn right now”
like what the fuck. Completely shocked by his response I asked “is that how you start all of your bumble conversations” he proceeded to reply “No I just wanted to let you know I have a boner right now and by dick is huge” … instant unmatch! My least favorite question on both apps are “what brings you on here/what are you looking for”. Now don’t get me wrong those are honest questions and sometimes don’t have bad intentions, but when the person asks you that after only 2-3 messages they’re hoping your answer is more of a Netflix n chill, with barely any Netflix and absolutely no chill.
Most of the time I don’t answer these questions. Another difficult thing for me is that I’m pretty fucking tall. Like the average height of a woman in the US is 5’4” and then there’s my big ass towering over those small hoes at 5’9” (although I only claim 5’ 8 ¾ “). So, when I’m swiping I’m constantly looking to see if the guys hand to elbow length looks small, do his fingers look nubby, is he as tall as the sign next to him or shorter? Shit like that. And it always cracks me up when a guy's bio says "I'm 6'1" since apparently that matters!" Like no shit it matters, thanks for the saving me a message😈. My rule for online dating is to always subtract 2 inches from what a guy put as his height. His bio says 5’10, boom he’s 5’8. His bio says 5’8, boom he’s 5’6.5”.
It’s my own little mental algorithm, and I’m convinced it works. Anyway, one time I matched with a guy and we seemed to really hit it off, even planned to meet up that weekend. I was unsure of his hand to elbow length so I asked how tall he is, his ass responded between 5’6” and 5’7”, like who the fuck says their between 2 heights? He was like “I’m probably a little shorter than you, hope that’s not a deal breaker”. First off he’s weird enough to put himself between 2 heights and 2nd he clearly didn’t read my bio cause it says I’m 5’9, so yes, it absolutely was a deal breaker.
But I didn’t want to seem rude, so I played it off and said “not gonna lie and say height is not important but it’s not a huge deal breaker”, now in this moment I’m feeling like a woman for the people, like a fucking trouper cause I just spared this height challenged man’s feelings.
Next thing I know he hits me with a “actually I’m not ready to date. I know this will seem weird and sudden but that’s just where I’m at right now”. Like what the absolute fuck?
Here I was trying to spare your feelings and you just BS rejected me!? I had to laugh that shit off cause when I say shook, I was fucking shook… instant unmatch! Another confidence ball buster is when you’re on a swiping roll and sending out mass messages, just trying to see which one’s stick. You’ll go to bed with 10 matches, 10 “hey” caterpillars hoping to turn into “how are you” butterflies, but when you wake up there’s only 3 messages pending response. For those of you who don't use these dating apps, that means that 7 guys saw my message and unmatched my ass.
Honestly just typing this makes me chuckle a bit cause it’s like damn, did I say something wrong? Are you judging my emoji choices, or did you see my message recheck my profile and think to yourself, who the fuck did I swipe on!? Now I must admit that I’m guilty of that late night swiping. It's always weird hen you wake up and have to cuss out your sleepy self, cause the guy you though had pretty eyes actually looks like Kermit the frog on crack.
But still, it sucks. and I know for a fact that i don't look like a cracked out Kermit!
I’ll only briefly state the positives because lets face it, there aren’t many, and also this post was already long as hell. But the biggest pro for me is that I’m a lame 20 something who doesn’t go out much so swiping from the comfort of my home is hella convenient.... and it gives me something to do while I'm taking my morning dump. Boom done with the pros! Well thanks for reading this ramble of a post, If you’re planning to test your luck in the online dating pool, may the odds be ever in your favor and happy swiping! 😊
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